When Amends Are Not Enough

“Without forgiveness life is governed by... an endless cycle of resentment and retaliation”

Roberto Assagioli

  

Perhaps the hardest part of the 12 step process of recovery is making amends to those you have hurt.  When I examined my past and came up with a list of resentments and fears that were holding me back in my recovery, I examined each area where I had been either selfish, dishonest, self-seeking and inconsiderate and without intention I had caused others to feel

angry or unloved:

·         I had played the victim and blamed others for my actions

·         I had loved too deeply and been resentfully disappointed

·         I had lied and been deceitful to cover up my addictive behaviour

·         I had pushed loved ones aside when it suited my addictive habits

And so we make our amends to the best of our ability and promise to try our best on our road to recovery.  But with so many unbroken promises from the past, we have to accept that only time and a living amends may heal the past. I still get things thrown in my face which hurt but I have to accept and forgive, because I have no idea how much hurt I have done to my kids, my family and my friends and others  I still hear:

·         You are useless and a nobody

·         You will never get a job or be successful

·         Past mistakes and misfortunes

·         Resentments and disappointments

So we hold our head up high and take each day by day and show tolerance, unconditional love and forgiveness.  We do it, not just forgiveness of others, but to forgive ourselves, to heal, to put the past behind us and move on.

I would like to share a poem by Veronica A. Shoffstall – truly awesome:

“After a while you learn

the subtle difference between

holding a hand and chaining a soul

and you learn love doesn't mean leaning

and company doesn't always mean security.

And you begin to learn

that kisses aren't contracts

and presents aren't always promises

and you begin to accept your defeats

with your head up and your eyes ahead

with the grace of a woman,

not the grief of a child.

And you learn

to build all your roads on today

because tomorrow's ground is

too uncertain for plans

and futures have a way

of falling down in mid-flight.

After a while you learn

that even sunshine burns if you get too much

So you plant your own garden

and decorate your own soul

instead of waiting

for someone to bring you flowers

And you learn

that you really can endure,

that you really are strong

and you really do have worth

and you learn and you learn

With every good-bye you learn”

“In the end these things matter most: How well did you love? How fully did you love? How deeply did you learn to let go?”

The Buddha

5 Visionaries Who Experimented With Drugs

“Whether you sniff it smoke it eat it or shove it up your ass,

the result is the same: addiction.”

William S. Burroughs

Is intelligence related to an increased likelihood of recreational drug use?  It's an interesting hypothesis, and one that's been gaining momentum in recent years.  If a definitive link between intellectual capacity and drug use does exist, it will likely be some time before anyone establishes one.  Having said that, this much is for certain: history has more than its fair share of experimenting experimentalists.

Let's meet 5 of history's most influential scientific and technological visionaries, along with their drugs of choice - namely Cocaine and LSD:

1. Sigmund Freud — Cocaine

“Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes”

Sigmund Freud, the father of psychoanalysis, was a physiologist, medical doctor, psychologist and influential thinker of the early twentieth century.  He articulated and refined the concepts of the unconscious, infantile sexuality and repression, and he proposed a tripartite account of the mind’s structure—all as part of a radically new conceptual and therapeutic frame of reference for the understanding of human psychological development and the treatment of abnormal mental conditions. Notwithstanding the multiple manifestations of psychoanalysis as it exists today, it can in almost all fundamental respects be traced directly back to Freud’s original work.

To Freud, cocaine was more than a personal indulgence; he regarded it as a veritable wonder drug, and for many years was a huge proponent of its use in a wide array of applications.  In a letter written to his fiancé, Martha, Freud wrote:  "If all goes well, I will write an essay (on cocaine) and I expect it will win its place in therapeutics by the side of morphine and superior to it... I take very small doses of it regularly against depression and against indigestion and with the most brilliant of success."

Freud published such a review, titled "Uber Coca" in 1884.  Interestingly, Freud's paper was one of the first to propose drug substitution as a therapeutic treatment for addiction.  While replacing morphine with cocaine is something we now know to be counterproductive to recovery, the concept of substitution therapies persists to this day.  

2. Thomas Edison — Cocaine

“If we all did the things we are really capable of doing, we would literally astound ourselves”

Thomas Edison held a world record of 1093 patents for inventions such as the light bulb and phonograph, the transmitter for the telephone speaker, and key elements of motion-picture apparatus, as well as other bright inventions. He also created the world's first industrial research laboratory.

In 1863, French chemist Angelo Mariani invented "Vin Mariani," a Bordeaux wine treated with coca leaves, the active ingredient of which is none other than cocaine.  The ethanol content in the Bordeax could extract cocaine from the coca leaves in concentrations exceeding 7mg per fluid ounce of wine.  Thomas Edison, the prolific American inventor and notorious insomniac, was one of many people of the period known to regularly consume the cocaine-laced elixir.

3. John C. Lilly — LSD

“You don't have to suffer continual chaos in order to grow.”

John C. Lilly was a physician and psychoanalyst. He made contributions in the fields of biophysics, neurophysiology, electronics, computer science, and neuroanatomy.  His eclectic career began as a conventional scientist doing research for universities and government. However, he gradually began researching unconventional topics. He published several books and had two Hollywood movies based partly on his work.

Lilly was a pioneer in the field of electronic brain stimulation.  He was the first person to map pain and pleasure pathways in the brain; founded an entire branch of science exploring interspecies communication between humans, dolphins, and whales; invented the world's first sensory deprivation chamber; and conducted extensive personal experimentation with mind-altering drugs like LSD and ketamine.

It bears mentioning that Lilly's experiments with interspecies communication, personal psychedelic use, and sensory deprivation often overlapped.

4. Steve Jobs — LSD

 “That’s been one of my mantras — focus and simplicity. Simple can be harder than complex: You have to work hard to get your thinking clean to make it simple. But it’s worth it in the end because once you get there, you can move mountains”

Steve Jobs was the co-founder and CEO of Apple and formerly Pixar.  LSD was a big deal for Steve Jobs.   Evidently, Jobs believed that experimenting with LSD in the 1960s was "one of the two or three most important things he had done in his life."   What's more, he felt that there were parts of him that the people he knew and worked with could not understand, simply because they hadn't had a go at psychedelics.   This latter sentiment also comes through in his recently-published biography, wherein Jobs goes so far as to associate what he interpreted as Bill Gates' dearth of imagination with a lack of psychedelic experimentation:

"Bill is basically unimaginative and has never invented anything, which is why I think he's more comfortable now in philanthropy than technology. He just shamelessly ripped off other people's ideas."

"He'd be a broader guy," Jobs says about Gates, "if he had dropped acid once or gone off to an ashram when he was younger."

5.  Bill Gates — LSD

“If geek means you're willing to study things, and if you think science and engineering matter, I plead guilty. If your culture doesn't like geeks, you are in real trouble”

Bill Gates is an American business magnate and philanthropist. Gates is the former chief executive and current chairman of Microsoft, the world’s largest personal-computer software company, which he co-founded with Paul Allen. He is consistently ranked among the world's wealthiest people and was the wealthiest overall from 1995 to 2009, excluding 2008, when he was ranked third; in 2011 he was the wealthiest American and the second wealthiest person. During his career at Microsoft, Gates held the positions of CEO and chief software architect, and remains the largest individual shareholder, with 6.4% of the common stock. He has also authored or co-authored several books.

Strangely enough, Bill Gates totally did experiment with LSD, though an excerpt from a 1994 interview with Playboy reveals he was much less open about it than Jobs:

PLAYBOY: Ever take LSD?

GATES: My errant youth ended a long time ago.

PLAYBOY: What does that mean?

GATES: That means there were things I did under the age of 25 that I ended up not doing subsequently.

PLAYBOY: One LSD story involved you staring at a table and thinking the corner was going to plunge into your eye.

GATES: [Smiles]

PLAYBOY: Ah, a glimmer of recognition.

GATES: That was on the other side of that boundary.  The young mind can deal with certain kinds of gooping around that I don't think at this age I could.  I don't think you're as capable of handling lack of sleep or whatever challenges you throw at your body as you get older. However, I never missed a day of work.

Now if you feel intellectually challenged, please do not go out there and experiment with drugs – it is not the answer to life’s challenges!

Were you surprised by these results or did you expect it?


(Source references include an article "10 Scientific and Technological Visionaries Who Experimented With Drugs" by Robert T. Gonzalez at io9.com)

The Effects and Symptoms of LSD

“In the 1960s, people took acid to make the world weird.

Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.”

Lysergic Acid Diethylamide, commonly known as LSD, is a semi-synthetic drug made of lysergic acid.  Also known as Lysergide or LSD-25, it is a colourless, tasteless, odourless, crystalline substance which is soluble in water or alcohol.  It is a chemical that alters a user's mood, thoughts or perceptions.  For this reason, LSD is grouped into a class of drugs known as hallucinogens or psychedelics.  These drugs can cause auditory, visual or somatosensory hallucinations, paranoia or dream-like states.

LSD is a very powerful drug - a dose as small as a single grain of salt (about 0.010 mg) can produce some effects.  Psychedelic effects are produced at higher doses of about 0.050-0.100 mg.

LSD was first synthesized from a fungus that grows on rye and other grains.   In 1938, Albert Hofmann working in the Swiss pharmaceutical company called Sandoz, produced LSD for the first time.  He was hoping that this new drug could be used to stimulate circulation and respiration.  However, the tests he conducted were all failures and he forgot about LSD for 5 years.  In 1943, Hofmann accidentally ingested (or somehow absorbed) a bit of LSD and experienced some of the psychedelic effects of this chemical: dizziness, visual distortions and restlessness.  A few days later he prepared 0.25 mg of LSD in water and drank it.  He again experienced the mood and thought altering effects of LSD.  This he documented in his book “LSD – My Problem Child”.  He died on April 29, 2008.  He was 102 years old.

The street names for LSD are Acid, beast, blue cheer, blue heaven, dot, Lucy in the sky with diamonds, cid.    Common illegal forms of LSD include:

·         blotter paper

·         mini tablets (‘microdots’)

·         capsules

·         gelatine sheets

The effects of LSD

The effects of LSD strongly depend on the mental state of the user and the circumstances in which the drug is used. Therefore, the same dose can produce good and bad ‘trips’ in the same person, depending on the circumstances in which the drug is used.

Tolerance to the effects of LSD develops quickly and users must increase their intake of LSD to get the same effects. The exact neural pathways that are affected by LSD are not completely known. LSD has a chemical structure that is very similar to the neurotransmitter called serotonin. It is thought that the effects of LSD are caused by stimulation of serotonin receptors on neurons, perhaps in the brain area called the raphe nuclei. However, it is still not clear what produces all the effects of LSD.

The sought-after effects of LSD are:

·         changes in mood and sensory perception

·         ‘mind expansion’ as a key to quasi-religious transcendental experiences  

·         feelings of empathy and increased sociability.

The possible short-term effects of LSD are:

·         a distorted perception of depth, time, and the size and shape of objects

·         hallucinations  

·         heightened senses of sight, sound and touch

·         psychological or emotional effects such as anxiety, depression, dizziness, disorientation and paranoia

·         physical effects such as dilated pupils, lowered body temperature, nausea, vomiting, profuse sweating, rapid heart rate; and convulsions

Many users experience flashbacks, a recurrence of certain aspects of a person's drug experience without the user having taken the drug again.  

The possible long-term effects of LSD are:

·         a growing tolerance to the drug, which disappears quickly after use of the drug is stopped

·         flashbacks which can occur days or even months after the last dose has been taken, leading to disorientation, anxiety and distress

·         prolonged anxiety and depression after use of the drug is stopped.

The physical dangers of the long-term LSD use are unknown.

Symptoms of LSD use

The severity of symptoms produced by LSD depends on dosage, state of mind at the time of ingestion and environment. The mildest symptoms have been reported as a feeling of well-being, mild hallucinations and perceptual disturbances and heightened sensitivity to pleasant stimuli. Other people have reported extreme terror, fear of death, inability to interact socially and unpleasant tactile hallucinations, such as a crawling sensation on the skin. Impairment generally lasts from four to 12 hours, although symptoms may last longer depending on the dose.

Most aspects of the LSD experience are subjective and difficult to measure.  Physical symptoms associated with LSD mimic the actions of the nervous system, similar to those caused by some stimulants. The most distinguishing symptom of LSD intoxication is the hallucinogenic effect, which does not usually accompany most stimulants. LSD shares many of its effects with other hallucinogens, so a user may have difficulty determining which hallucinogenic drug he took.  Only a laboratory analysis can determine this with certainty.

Someone who has taken LSD may show these symptoms:

·         increased heart rate

·         rapid breathing

·         increased body temperature

·         increased blood pressure

·         increased tear production

·         salivation

·         loss of appetite

·         nausea

·         sweating

·         sleeplessness

·         dilated pupils

·         tremors

·         change in visual perception or visual hallucinations

·         auditory hallucinations

·         synesthesia (combined sensory perception such as hearing colors or tasting sounds)

·         tactile hallucinations or magnification of touch

·         delusions of grandiosity

·         distortion of time

·         terrifying thoughts and feelings

·         despair

·         fear of losing control

·         fear of insanity and death

Legal information

LSD is listed in Part III of Schedule 2 of the South African Drugs and Drug Trafficking Act, 1992 (Act No 140 of 1992) as an Undesirable Dependence - Producing Substance.  However, from a pharmacological point-of-view it is not considered as being dependence producing.

LSD is a Schedule I drug in the U.S. Controlled Substances Act.  Schedule I includes drugs with a high potential for abuse and no accepted use in medicine. The Controlled Substances Act of 1970 in the USA states that the mandatory penalty for possession of 1 gram of LSD is 5 years in prison.

LSD is a Class A drug under The Misuse of Drugs Act 1971 in the UK which is intended to prevent the non-medical use of certain drugs.   Maximum penalties under the Misuse of Drugs Act are 7 years plus a fine for possession and Life plus a fine for supply.

10 Tips on Relapse Prevention

"If you hang out at the barbershop long enough,

you are bound to get a haircut."

Unfortunately relapse is part of addiction.  We are all human and we all make mistakes.  From my own experience and from what I have heard in the rooms, when you relapse you go straight back to the level of tolerance you were on when you last stopped.  The cycle of addiction just grows from there and some people never make it back to recovery. 

It is best to avoid situations and people that could trigger a relapse.  These are a few examples for when you are starting out in recovery:

1.   Stay away from relationships you’ve found troubling or difficult in the past.

2.   Avoid family and friends who have enabled you in the past.

3.   Stay away from the people you used to drink, drug, gamble or have casual sex with.

4.   Keep away from bars, clubs, casinos, or where you used to hang out doing the above.

5.   Get to understand what your body feels like when you are stressed, afraid or depressed.

6.   Beware of H.A.L.T. - being hungry, angry, lonely and tired.

7.   Be aware of the times of the day or the week when you are most likely to use:

·         At the end of a long, difficult day at work, when you just need to unwind?

·         On the weekends, when you’re feeling lonely and bored?

·         After visiting a parent or other family member?

9.   Make other arrangements at those times to do something else:

·         Rent or go to a movie to unwind.

·         Meditate.

·         Listen to music.

·         Take a yoga class or go to the gym.

·         Have fun with your sober friends.

·         Do some gardening or painting or writing on weekends.

·         Go to a 12 step meeting if you are really overwhelmed.

9.   It is also important to know the signs of impending relapse, for example.

·         Persuading yourself that you can drink, drug, or gamble just one more time.

·         Remembering the times using made you feel good.

·         Forgetting the negative outcomes that come along with your addiction.

·         Thoughts that using again this time it will be different.

·         Seeing your addiction-free life as a punishment, rather than as the blessing it truly is.

10. Never doubt your ability to stay sober or keep away from your addiction.

When you recognize these signs in yourself, it’s time to check yourself: Are you approaching denial once again?  Addiction and alcoholism are the only diseases that tell you, “You don’t have a disease.”  But you do and the road to recovery might be filled with potholes but keep going – it is truly worth it.  Most of all, you are truly worth the serenity it brings.

"Recovery is a journey between two stations.

One station represents total chaos, and the other represents total serenity.

What is important is not where you are, but what direction you are facing"

The Top 10 Addictive Substances

I was reading The Fix, my weekly online addiction magazine, and I came across an interesting article on the top ten addictive drugs in order of dependence. 

Many factors determine whether you’ll become addicted to a drug:

ü  Your genetic makeup

ü  Social history

ü  The drugs your friends take

ü  How much money you make

ü  Emotional instability

A team of researchers led by Professor David Nutt of London's Imperial College recently set out to determine which drugs were most harmful based on their addictive properties.  The resulting article suggested that alcohol and tobacco are more harmful than cannabis and ecstasy, and led to Nutt getting sacked as the UK’s top drug adviser.  Dutch scientists replicated the London study and devised a “dependency rating” that measured addictive potency of the biggest drugs out there on a precisely calibrated scale of 0-to-3.

1. Heroin

Dependence Rating: 2.89/3.00


No surprise here: heroin’s addictiveness is the stuff of legend.  As an opiate, it affects opioid receptors throughout the body and mimics endorphins, reducing pain and causing pleasure.  Areas of the brain involved in reward processing and learning are stocked with tons of these opioid receptors, so when you inject heroin, you are basically training your brain to make you crave it.  Pair that with nasty withdrawal symptoms and high fat solubility (which allows it to get into your brain quickly), and you have the most addictive drug in the world.  

2. Crack Cocaine

Dependence Rating: 2.82/3.00


Although crack cocaine and powder cocaine have similar chemical compositions and effects, smoking processed crack causes a faster, higher rush that lasts for less time (about 10 minutes, versus 15-30 for powder cocaine).  The intensity of the high combined with the efficient method of ingestion—smoking—are the big reasons why addiction rates are dramatically higher for crack than they are for snorted powder.  

3. Nicotine

Dependence Rating: 2.82/3.00

Though nicotine doesn’t cause the rush of heroin or crack, it's biologically similar in a crucial way:  it mimics a common neurotransmitter—so well that scientists named one of the acetylcholine receptors after it.  Smoking regularly reduces the number and sensitivity of these “nicotinic” receptors, and requires that the user keep ingesting nicotine just to maintain normal brain function. There are 50,000,000 nicotine addicts in the US, and one in every five deaths nationwide are the result of smoking. 

4. Methadone

Dependence Rating: 2.68/3.00

In a clinical setting, tolerance to this drug is actually considered a good thing when treating a heroin addiction.  A junky getting treated with methadone will quickly become resistant to its euphoric effects and use it to keep heroin withdrawal symptoms at bay.  The problem is this: tolerance to methadone is a sign of an addiction to methadone.

5. Crystal Meth

Dependence Rating: 2.24/3.00

Crystal methamphetamine takes it to the next level:  it imitates the reward chemical dopamine and the alertness chemical norepinephrine, causing your neurons to release more of both—all the while training your brain to want them more.  What’s worse, the drug can damage dopamine- and norepinephrine-releasing neurons, which leads to a drastic decrease in their production, thereby making you crave more meth.  It’s an addict’s nightmare and a marketer’s dream.

6. Alcohol

Dependence Rating: 2.13/3.00

Because alcohol is legal and often consumed in social settings, alcohol addiction is complicated.  But as an addictive agent, it’s remarkably simple—and effective.  Alcohol’s withdrawal syndrome is so severe that it can cause death, and its effects on the brain’s reward system cause well-documented and intense craving in heavy drinkers.  

7. Cocaine

Dependence Rating: 2.13/3.00

Cocaine prevents the reabsorption of dopamine in the brain’s reward areas.  After you use enough blow, your brain reduces the number of dopamine receptors in this region, figuring it's already got plenty of it.  Because there are now fewer receptors, stopping the drug makes you crave it—after all, the body needs its dopamine.  Cocaine doesn’t destroy dopamine neurons like methamphetamine, which makes its effect less powerfully addictive, but the fast method of use (snorting), short high (less than an hour) and rapid tolerance put it in the top ten.

8. Amphetamines (classified as pure or blended dextroamphetamine without methamphetamine)

Dependence Rating: 1.95/3.00

Regular amphetamines including Adderall, Dexedrine, and Desoxyn might not be quite as addictive as meth, but because it acts on the same reward circuit, it still causes rapid tolerance and desire for more if used regularly or in high doses.  Quitting cold turkey can cause severe depression and anxiety, as well as extreme fatigue—and you can guess what extreme fatigue makes you crave...

9. Benzodiazepines (Valium, Xanax, Klonopin, et al)

Dependence Rating: 1.89/3.00

There’s a reason your doctor will tell you to taper off these prescription anti-anxiety drugs after taking them for a while.  Each one increase the effectiveness of a brain chemical called GABA, which reduces the excitability of many other neurons and decreases anxiety. Because benzodiazepines cause rapid tolerance, quitting cold turkey causes a multi-symptom withdrawal that includes irritability, anxiety and panic attacks—enough to make just about anybody fall right back into Benzo's comforting arms.

10. GHB (gamma hydroxybutyrate)

Dependence Rating: 1.71/3.00

Last on the list is a depressant and club drug that may itself be a neurotransmitter. GHB is illegally produced in home basement labs, usually in the form of a liquid that has no odour or colour. It is known as a designer drug because it is specifically made for the purpose of getting people high.  Like Ecstasy, GHB is a popular drug with club-goers and those who go to "rave parties," including teens and young adults.  Its side effects can be very dangerous, especially if the drug is mixed with alcohol.  It has cross-tolerance with alcohol—if you drink regularly, you'll need to ingest more GHB to get high—as well as a short half-life in the body and a brutal withdrawal syndrome that causes insomnia, anxiety, dizziness and vomiting.  The combination is nasty:  Take a lot of GHB to make up for your tolerance to alcohol and you could be hooked.

Do you take any of the above either socially or with a doctor’s prescription?   Are you surprised or worried about the results?  Leave a comment below and let us know!