What Is Love?

“Finally I am coming to the conclusion that my highest ambition is to be what I already am. That I will never fulfil my obligation to surpass myself unless I first accept myself, and if I accept myself fully in the right way, I will already have surpassed myself.”

Thomas Mertin

The media, our families and our friends tell us that our goal is to be somebody. It’s the American Dream. Many of us have chosen a particular career, relationship status or some sort of accomplishment that assure a future of being that somebody, getting somewhere and hopefully being spared from debt, despair, or vulnerability in the process.  There is nothing wrong with having goals or plans but when we use these to overestimate our potential than we let ourselves down and become disappointed.

I have spent over half of my life trying to be the best wife and the best friend only to get rejection, obtaining a university degree and working my butt off in demanding jobs only to be taken for granted,  and after all of this ending up suicidal on a therapist’s couch and escaping into the dark abyss of addiction.  Perhaps this was the best thing that happened because in reaching the bottom and realizing my options, my spiritual journey began.

I have redefined the goal of getting somewhere and being somebody to loving who I already am. Healing comes from within.  I have accepted pain as lovingly and with as much compassion as I would success.  I have and continue to forgive my mistakes and my resentments and overcome my fears. They are the very things that propel me forward into gratitude and self-love – and in turn, love for you.

Place your hand over your heart. Feel that? That’s called purpose. You’re alive for a reason. No matter what your circumstances are, embrace each day. Find one thing you are grateful for in this moment right now. Remember that any struggle is just as important as the lesson and awareness it provides. In the midst of movement and chaos, find serenity within. Love yourself because without you, perfectly imperfect you, the rest of us are without a source or many wonderful things.

I posted this Self Love Poem by Charlie Chaplin previously, but it is fitting to repeat it here:

AS I BEGIN TO LOVE MYSELF

As I began to love myself I found that anguish and emotional suffering are only warning signs that I was living against my own truth.

Today, I know, this is “AUTHENTICITY”.

As I began to love myself I understood how much it can offend somebody As I try to force my desires on this person, even though I knew the time was not right and the person was not ready for it, and even though this person was me.

Today I call it “RESPECT”.

As I began to love myself I stopped craving for a different life, and I could see that everything that surrounded me was inviting me to grow.

Today I call it “MATURITY”.

As I began to love myself I understood that at any circumstance, I am in the right place at the right time, and everything happens at the exactly right moment. So I could be calm.

Today I call it “SELF-CONFIDENCE”.

As I began to love myself I quit steeling my own time, and I stopped designing huge projects for the future. Today, I only do what brings me joy and happiness, things I love to do and that make my heart cheer, and I do them in my own way and in my own rhythm.

Today I call it “SIMPLICITY”.

As I began to love myself I freed myself of anything that is no good for my health – food, people, things, situations, and everything the drew me down and away from myself. At first I called this attitude a healthy egoism.

Today I know it is “LOVE OF ONESELF”.

As I began to love myself I quit trying to always be right, and ever since I was wrong less of the time.

Today I discovered that is “MODESTY”.

As I began to love myself I refused to go on living in the past and worry about the future. Now, I only live for the moment, where EVERYTHING is happening.

Today I live each day, day by day, and I call it “FULFILLMENT”.

As I began to love myself I recognized that my mind can disturb me and it can make me sick. But As I connected it to my heart, my mind became a valuable ally.

Today I call this connection “WISDOM OF THE HEART”.

We no longer need to fear arguments, confrontations or any kind of problems with ourselves or others. Even stars collide, and out of their crashing new worlds are born.

Today I know THAT IS “LIFE !

And here is an awesome video about love from the movie "The Cure Is":

“When I loved myself enough, I began leaving whatever wasn't healthy. This meant people, jobs, my own beliefs and habits - anything that kept me small. My judgement called it disloyal. Now I see it as self-loving.”

Kim McMillen

When Amends Are Not Enough

“Without forgiveness life is governed by... an endless cycle of resentment and retaliation”

Roberto Assagioli

  

Perhaps the hardest part of the 12 step process of recovery is making amends to those you have hurt.  When I examined my past and came up with a list of resentments and fears that were holding me back in my recovery, I examined each area where I had been either selfish, dishonest, self-seeking and inconsiderate and without intention I had caused others to feel

angry or unloved:

·         I had played the victim and blamed others for my actions

·         I had loved too deeply and been resentfully disappointed

·         I had lied and been deceitful to cover up my addictive behaviour

·         I had pushed loved ones aside when it suited my addictive habits

And so we make our amends to the best of our ability and promise to try our best on our road to recovery.  But with so many unbroken promises from the past, we have to accept that only time and a living amends may heal the past. I still get things thrown in my face which hurt but I have to accept and forgive, because I have no idea how much hurt I have done to my kids, my family and my friends and others  I still hear:

·         You are useless and a nobody

·         You will never get a job or be successful

·         Past mistakes and misfortunes

·         Resentments and disappointments

So we hold our head up high and take each day by day and show tolerance, unconditional love and forgiveness.  We do it, not just forgiveness of others, but to forgive ourselves, to heal, to put the past behind us and move on.

I would like to share a poem by Veronica A. Shoffstall – truly awesome:

“After a while you learn

the subtle difference between

holding a hand and chaining a soul

and you learn love doesn't mean leaning

and company doesn't always mean security.

And you begin to learn

that kisses aren't contracts

and presents aren't always promises

and you begin to accept your defeats

with your head up and your eyes ahead

with the grace of a woman,

not the grief of a child.

And you learn

to build all your roads on today

because tomorrow's ground is

too uncertain for plans

and futures have a way

of falling down in mid-flight.

After a while you learn

that even sunshine burns if you get too much

So you plant your own garden

and decorate your own soul

instead of waiting

for someone to bring you flowers

And you learn

that you really can endure,

that you really are strong

and you really do have worth

and you learn and you learn

With every good-bye you learn”

“In the end these things matter most: How well did you love? How fully did you love? How deeply did you learn to let go?”

The Buddha

10 Tips on Relapse Prevention

"If you hang out at the barbershop long enough,

you are bound to get a haircut."

Unfortunately relapse is part of addiction.  We are all human and we all make mistakes.  From my own experience and from what I have heard in the rooms, when you relapse you go straight back to the level of tolerance you were on when you last stopped.  The cycle of addiction just grows from there and some people never make it back to recovery. 

It is best to avoid situations and people that could trigger a relapse.  These are a few examples for when you are starting out in recovery:

1.   Stay away from relationships you’ve found troubling or difficult in the past.

2.   Avoid family and friends who have enabled you in the past.

3.   Stay away from the people you used to drink, drug, gamble or have casual sex with.

4.   Keep away from bars, clubs, casinos, or where you used to hang out doing the above.

5.   Get to understand what your body feels like when you are stressed, afraid or depressed.

6.   Beware of H.A.L.T. - being hungry, angry, lonely and tired.

7.   Be aware of the times of the day or the week when you are most likely to use:

·         At the end of a long, difficult day at work, when you just need to unwind?

·         On the weekends, when you’re feeling lonely and bored?

·         After visiting a parent or other family member?

9.   Make other arrangements at those times to do something else:

·         Rent or go to a movie to unwind.

·         Meditate.

·         Listen to music.

·         Take a yoga class or go to the gym.

·         Have fun with your sober friends.

·         Do some gardening or painting or writing on weekends.

·         Go to a 12 step meeting if you are really overwhelmed.

9.   It is also important to know the signs of impending relapse, for example.

·         Persuading yourself that you can drink, drug, or gamble just one more time.

·         Remembering the times using made you feel good.

·         Forgetting the negative outcomes that come along with your addiction.

·         Thoughts that using again this time it will be different.

·         Seeing your addiction-free life as a punishment, rather than as the blessing it truly is.

10. Never doubt your ability to stay sober or keep away from your addiction.

When you recognize these signs in yourself, it’s time to check yourself: Are you approaching denial once again?  Addiction and alcoholism are the only diseases that tell you, “You don’t have a disease.”  But you do and the road to recovery might be filled with potholes but keep going – it is truly worth it.  Most of all, you are truly worth the serenity it brings.

"Recovery is a journey between two stations.

One station represents total chaos, and the other represents total serenity.

What is important is not where you are, but what direction you are facing"

To Be Yourself is to Become Yourself

This is a guest post that I wrote for Mark Michaels on his blog, Beyond Faith ... Into Freedom.  Do yourself a favour and check out his site.  Besides articles, he has an ebook and a few courses you can sign up to - brilliant.  Here we go ......

My name is Sara and I am an alcoholic from South Africa.  I feel honored to have been invited by Mark to write a guest post for his website.    The 12 step program, for me, has been the only option for successful recovery.  It offers a design for living which can be implemented in all aspects of your life.  In pondering what to write, I thought I would share a couple of the 12 step principles that have worked for me and, by the Grace of God, will keep me clean and sober one day at a time.

Acceptance

Whatever your addiction is, acceptance is the foundation on which to build a new life in recovery.  Willingness to change is the key.  Most addicts have been affected by either abuse, lack of love or circumstances that have lead them to be emotionally insecure.  Although it is not your fault that life has dealt you a raw deal, when you reach the point where you realize that you cannot continue wrecking your own life and the life of others, it becomes your responsibility to make some changes.  Page 449 of the Big Book says it all, quote:

“And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation - some fact of my life - unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment.

Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God's world by mistake. Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober; unless I accept life completely on life's terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes”.

Attitude

During my years of addiction, I was self-centered and negative in my attitude towards life.  When I did the dreaded fourth step in the AA program and analyzed situations that lead to resentment and fear, I came to realize that in most cases I was the cause of my own destruction.  Learning what my character defects are and taking steps to keep them in check, has helped me to react in a more positive manner when faced with adversity.  Holding onto anger, fear and resentment is a sure way of going straight back into the hell of addiction.  Deal with them, make amends where due and then let them go.  

Gratitude is an important attitude to keep.  Often we addicts find ourselves back on our pity pots, thinking why me, why did this have to happen to me?  Remember that there are others out there a lot worse off than you.  It is a good idea to keep a gratitude journal and add to it from time to time.  You will find you have a lot more to be grateful for than you can imagine. Ask yourself the question: Through all the pain that I have gone through, surely there must be a reason for it?  Perhaps our destiny is to go out and help other people overcome addiction.   Follow the advice of the brilliant Mahatma Ghandi who said:

“Be the change you want to see in the world”.

Surrounding yourself with positive and supportive people, reading inspirational books and following motivational people for example Jack Canfield, Deepak Chopra, Hale Dwoskin and the wonderful Neale Donald Welsch will all help towards maintaining a positive attitude.  Brian Tracy quotes:

“You cannot control what happens to you, but you can control your attitude towards what happens to you, and in that, you will be mastering change rather than allowing it to master you”.

Forgiveness

When I started recovery, I was carrying around a load of guilt.  As soon as I learned to forgive myself, I could move forward.  I also found that people do not like you to change.  You certainly find out who your real friends – the ones that support you in any way they can.  Whatever harms were done to you in the past, forgive those that caused them.  When someone goes out of their way to belittle you or hurt you in your recovery, forgive them too.  Show tolerance for they do not understand.  Forgiveness is not to gain the other person’s approval – you do it for yourself as part of your journey towards faith and unconditional love.  So from this day on, if you have not done so already:

“Love yourself - accept yourself - forgive yourself – and be good to yourself, because without you, the rest of us are without a source of many wonderful things.

Overcoming Overwhelm

"Being in control of your life and having realistic expectations about your day-to-day challenges are the keys to stress management, which is perhaps the most important ingredient to living a happy, healthy and rewarding life"

Marilu Henner

The first step to recovery is acceptance – accepting 100% that I am an alcoholic.  Whether or not it is my fault is not the issue.  What is important is taking responsibility and staying in recovery.  When fear and anxiety steps in, then the best I can do is go back to basics – start taking one day at a time and do the best I can do and be the best I can be in those 24 hours. 

Lately I have been feeling lost, unmotivated and overwhelmed.  I sit here at the computer, looking around at the paperwork, checking hundreds of unopened emails, reading reminders on my outlook calendar for work that has not been done and I just don’t know where to start.  So today I have decided to work out what the underlying problems are - this is not usually me at all.

To be overwhelmed is to be confronted with more than you can bear.  To be caught up in a whirlwind of events that make you feel depressed and frustrated.  Soon the pressure becomes too much that you feel you cannot do anything.   Finally you resign yourself to a perpetual state of despair.   Once your life was simple with glimpses of overwhelming times, whereas now your life is one where you are predominantly overwhelmed with no hope of serenity.  For someone who suffers from depression, this is not a good place to be.

What should I be doing on a daily basis?

Cold calling for my son and doing his books – commission basis only

Other clients work – when it is available – as in tax deadlines which are due now

Reading and following up on emails

Writing a blog post a day

Spending time on my recovery

General housework and cooking

What is holding me back?

I do not have enough time to phone and catch up paperwork.

My health – I have had the flu for two months now.

Lack of sleep – anxiety and continuous snoring from my partner!

Information overload.

Debt – old credit cards that are compounding interest on top of interest every month.

What is a solution?

Stop the phoning until the paperwork and tax returns are up to date,

Look online for part time work or start an affiliate business to make some extra money.

A visit to the doctor might be in order.

Eat more regularly, add more fruit to my diet and start exercising.

Move into the spare room for a while and catch up some good sleep!

Find time for my recovery – just an hour a day to read, write or meditate.

Spend weekends working on my blog posts and catching up filing.

Unsubscribe from unnecessary emails and use the evenings to read the important ones.

Sell my car to pay off the debt or ask for temporary help from the family.

Conclusion

A daily action plan is necessary to get done what has to be done.  Running away from problems does not help any situation – it just makes it worse.  Computers are here to help us speed up our communication systems and work processes but we often get way laid by reading social media and other blogs – put an hour aside a day to do that, preferably the evenings.  If your health is ailing, get is sorted because it leads to depression, tiredness and stress.  Sort out clutter – a desk full of papers makes the work load seem worse than it actually is.  Prioritize your work and do what is necessary to meet deadlines and earn an income first. 

Most importantly, find time for yourself doing what you like to do.  When you feel like life is being unfair to you, remember all the things you have to be grateful for.  There are others out there in the world far worse off then you.  Remember to use the most powerful tool I know, the Serenity Prayer:

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change

The courage to change the things I can

And the wisdom to know the difference

Amen

To Thine Own Self Be True

“The most splendid achievement of all is the constant striving to surpass yourself and to be worthy of your own approval.” - Denis Waitley

We all come to a time where we start to question our life purpose.  In most instances, we realise that we need to make some changes for the better. I believe this starts with honesty and letting go of our past illusions. To become aware of what is true we need to become aware of what is false as well.  Living authentically is challenged by the dual nature of our existence.

The False Self

Most forms of stress, procrastination, anxiety, fear, indecision and denial can be traced to the false self.  It is not something we are born with but rather things that we have learned through what society and family expects from us.  No one likes to feel unworthy of love or acceptance and this can influence us to believe that we are something that we really are not.  Our thoughts and behaviour change to better other peoples’ opinions of us.

The Real Self

The real or authentic self is who we really are. It is us minus the values, desires and beliefs acquired from external threats or accusations.  It isn't something we need to create. We were born with it. We will die with it.  In a world full of change and uncertainty, it's one of the few things we can truly rely on.

To be yourself is to become yourself          

Change from the false to the real self can be challenging. We need to search our own experiences and explore our own minds and change the thought patterns that are keeping us trapped in a false self and the false world that comes with it.  Instead of settling for a narrow picture of reality, we want to know the whole of it and align with truth instead.

As William Shakespeare quoted from Hamlet:

"This above all: To thine own self be true, and it must follow - as the night the day - thou canst not be false to any man."

This little poem I picked up in my readings and ramblings explains it simply:

The Guy in the Glass

When you get what you want in your struggle for self,
And the world makes you king for a day,
Just go to a mirror and look at yourself,
And see what that man has to say.

For it isn't your father or mother or wife
Whose judgment upon you must pass,
The fellow whose verdict counts most in your life,
Is the one staring back from the glass.

You may be like Jack Horner and chisel a plum,
And think you're a wonderful guy,
But the man in the glass says you're only a bum,
If you can't look him straight in the eye.

He's the fellow to please never mind all the rest,
For he's with you clear up to the end,
And you've passed your most dangerous, difficult test
If the man in the glass is your friend.

You may get what you want down the pathway of years,
And get pats on the back as you pass,
But your final reward will be heartaches and tears,
If you've cheated the man in the glass.

Dale Wimbrow 1895-1954

The Principles of the 12 Steps

From the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous:

Here are the steps we took, which are suggested as a program of recovery:

Step 1.   We admitted we were powerless over alcohol, that our lives had become unmanageable.           

Step 2.   Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

Step 3.   Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

Step 4.   Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

Step 5.   Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

Step 6.   Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

Step 7.   Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

Step 8.   Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

Step 9.   Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

Step 10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

Step 11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

Step 12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

(Reprinted from The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, page 59 with permission of A.A. World Services, Inc.)

The steps in the AA program, which are also used in Narcotics Anonymous, Gamblers Anonymous and other recovery programs, are a process of healing and spiritual growth.  Step1 is the only non- spiritual step where we surrender to powerlessness and unmanageability in our lives.  Step 2 and 3 introduces the higher power where we make a decision that we are willing to believe.  Insanity is the doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different outcome although experience shows us that this will never happen.  Step 4 is where we take an inventory of our pasts and analyse our resentments, fears and harms done to others.  This step highlights the areas where we have been selfish, dishonest, self-seeking and inconsiderate.  Steps 5 to 9 are the action steps to seek forgiveness of our past actions due to our character defects and make amends to others.  Finally, steps 10 and 11 are the maintenance steps, where we continue the program on a daily basis. Step 12 is taking what we have learned so freely and paying it forward by helping other fellow addicts. 

The steps are in a certain order for a reason. They are a design for living.  If followed correctly we should overcome our obsession of our disease through honesty, open mindedness and willingness.  Love and tolerance is our code.  Unconditional love and tolerance of others are essential to live a life free of resentments and conflict.

Believing is the beginning of each thing that we accomplish in our lives.  To be successful, believing must become strong enough to incite a decision, which is a choice of action.  Once this decision is made, it has to become strong enough to incite action.  Once the action becomes strong enough, it will bring about results.  Once the results are plain and clear, we will have faith.  Faith is true knowledge that comes as the result of action. The 12 steps are based on this plan.  These are the principles by which humankind has succeeded of failed.  So what are the principles?

Principles of the 12 Steps:

1.   Surrender.                                                                    
2.   Hope.
3.   Commitment.
4.   Honesty.
5.   Truth.
6.   Willingness.
7.   Humility.
8.   Reflection.
9.   Amendment.
10. Vigilance.
11. Attunement.
12. Service.

Faith is knowledge that comes as a result of a complete process. Many people fail because they are expecting true knowledge by faith before they make a decision to take action and get results.  We cannot begin with faith.  We can only believe in the beginning.  But this is all we need to get started.

Change

“Here's to the crazy ones, the misfits, the rebels, the troublemakers, the round pegs in the square holes, the ones who see things differently. They're not fond of rules and they have no respect for the status quo. You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them.  About the only thing you can't do is ignore them because they change things. They push the human race forward. And while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius.  Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do.”  Steve Jobs

I heard the news tonight that a friend of mine has just passed away.  He had cancer and although it really upset me at first, I know that he is now spared the pain and misery and may he rest forever in peace.  I have been sitting up all night reflecting on the days we were close friends.  It was during my twenties when wild parties and free flowing alcohol was all part of the fun.  I am in awe of how my life has changed since then.

During my late thirties, the alcohol had started taking its toll on my health and my life.  After a near death attempt at trying to stop cold turkey, I booked myself into rehab and stayed sober for the next eight years.  The first thing I did on leaving rehab was to visit the local AA group but unfortunately the lack of support from my family and a personal problem I had with the chairperson, hurting my pride and threatening my ego, I stopped going to meetings.  I threw myself into working flat out all day in a demanding job, returning home in the evenings to do housework and raising my two sons as a single mother.  I was miserable, unhappy and lonely.      

When the shit hit the fan – divorce, bad health, depression and the loss of my job – I did what any untreated alcoholic would do – went on the band wagon again.  For the next six years I was in and out of relationships, in and out of hospitals and even a visit back to rehab could not stop me from relapsing.  Just over two years ago, my appendix decided to take a trip behind the back of my colon and burst.  It took the doctors three days and an MRI scan to pick up the problem but by then my whole system was poisoned.  The next two months of recovery from surgery, carrying around a vacuum attached to my stomach, was my saving grace.  I had time to take stock of my life and realized I had to take a second chance at recovery.

I found an online AA meeting and by the grace of God have been sober since.  I have learnt that the drink is only a symptom of alcoholism.  There are other underlying causes for my disease.  So how has my life changed?

·         I have a program which I follow to the best of my ability on a daily basis.

·         Pride and ego has no place in my decisions today.

·         I am willing to go to any lengths to keep my sobriety.

·         I strive to stay open minded and honest with myself and others.

·         I take any bad situation and change it into an opportunity to grow.

·         I turn negative thoughts into positive thoughts which lead to positive action.

·         I do not blame anyone for my wrong doings – only me.

·         I have forgiven my past and learnt from my mistakes.

·         I have made my amends to those I have hurt and continue to do so if I am at fault.

·         I live for today and do not try and foresee future expectations.

·         I tolerate those who ridicule me for they do not understand.

·         I still have my problems but I have the tools to cope with them.

·         I am growing a little more spiritual each day through prayer and meditation.

·         I follow positive people and read and listen to motivational material.

·         I try and maintain an attitude of gratitude and live life on life’s terms.

I feel blessed today.  I have nothing materialistic but I have my sobriety and my sanity.  I no longer live in fear and hopelessness.  I know in my heart that I am doing the best that I can at this moment and this is exactly where I am supposed to be at this time and place.  Outside circumstances I cannot change, but I am changing what I can and that is me, from the inside out. 

So I once was a rebel and a troublemaker,  I probably am still a bit crazy and others may see me as a misfit and a round peg  - but I am doing my little bit to change the world.  I have made my pledge:

I am responsible.

When anyone, anywhere, reaches out for help,

I want the hand of AA always to be there.

And for that: I am responsible.